Wenlong never existed.

wEee, it’s the 2nd zodiac cycle in my life! Without much ado, i shall reiterate the past 6 months.

Realised that one of the traits you tend to gain with respect to age is self-conjured theories and conclusions. With more experience in gauging human actions through observations, we are inclined to express-classify people into categories with a set of responses and attitudes we adopted to "deal with" similiar people. A close analogy would be how doctors prescribe similiar pills for similiar symptoms until they found out about the bleeding gums and blackened joints. Turns out I judged and misjudged a few people and things start to get out of the way

2008 started with a "new" operations hub in the East side, overlooking a beautiful skyline with my house included in the view. Though our place can be considered "penthouse", work is on contrary unfun as people can think of. After all work is not all about balloons and confetti everyday. After witnessing the tug-o-war between our leader and the hiring/firing squad, I can understand why is there such immense pressure on many people in the office administration industry. Under the principle that reductions in cost mean profit, all non-revenue-generating operating activities should be kept to a minimum. Even revenue-retaining activities were also scrutinised and constantly challenged to the limits. As a result, unless there is an imperative need for manpower, human resource will be tuned to minimal level. This may not be the case, but it will serve as an alert for me in resource management.

An abrupt exit caused most of my distraught that I am currently experiencing. Apart from daily handling, I am also experiencing asphyxiation from within. Nonetheless, it is trivial and deserves no more attention than Edison Chen.

The first days of Lunar New Year hustled through my house in the form of mahjong and poker sessions. With so many commitments the family has right now, the atmosphere is reeking of heavy air instead of fire cracker residue smell. Probably because this lunar year does not spell good for the family’s zodiac. Nothing to worry much though; we had survived the previous cycle and we can certainly walk our way through this one. One good (or bad) thing that was different is the abundance of Bakkwa in the stocks. Sore throat is imminent. Fever is impending. Luckily, the profusion is accompanied by equal amounts of tea and health drinks that lowers the heatiness of barbequed pork.

During this lunar new year period I had a couple (pun intended) of encounters with heterosexual attractions. (Un)fortunately I am not the lead actor in the stories. The role of an observer that I was bestowed upon is objective and allows me to delve further into the issue. While cynics may laugh at the meagre use of this knowledge without actual practice, I beg to differ. After all, many writers get their inspirations from observing passively.

Most people are unique; but even more people, unfortunately, seeks safety in conformity. Unfortunately, there is a common understanding in humanity that conformity is a necessary flaw.

Recently had a small adjustment in my life; I moved from a telecommunications sector to a… "service" sector. A little culture/workload/deadline shock, but I am starting to get used to it. My mentor for two and a half weeks (strictly speaking, 7.5 working days), had been very patient and tolerant in my wilful ways and "weird" ideas and most importantly, my cold jokes. It was when the final day of my mentor’s work then I suddenly realised, that the values that had been lacking in my life, mainly being meticulous and disciplined, were unconditionally shared repeatedly via the methods that my mentor had been improvising. Procedures that seemed normal to execute had many conditional detours. Each step was tested against beta usage. In the end, what I had perceived to be "normal" and "common sense" became a strategm. Shed some light on my mentor’s "normal" thinkpath that it is not as straight as I think. Did I mention that my other colleagues said that my mentor almost vomitted blood every day after office hours? Yeah, sometimes I just wander off into my own uncharted waters when there is already a fastest, cheapest, most efficient waterway. That is why I kind of teared when my mentor is still trying to go through with me the daily routine, after office hours on the final day.

Coming to a larger working environment, I see many things in a different way. As the office partitions are strategically measured, I sense alot of camaraderie among those that really knows how to play the game. What appears to be a normal "lunch khakis" turns out to be underground comrades who have the same nemesis, conjured or literal. Normal hi-byes are actually a check on competing colleagues. Normal work become tedious and complicating when you are on bad terms with your colleagues.

There was one revelation from the past 2 working weeks; that is, never to under-estimate the "norm", because most of the time they had been challenged and withstood against time.

I end with parts of lyrics from 李圣杰’s 最近 which I think quite suits the journey with my mentor, although the interpretations are mostly warped.

(When my mentor came back from MC..)

你最近不说话
怎麽了为什麽
是不是有什麽事让你不快乐 (Vomitted for 2 days.. you think leh?)

(When information/ideas are being communicated…)

你想要的
我却不能够给你我全部
我能给的
却又不是你想要拥有的 (Because ORD loh~)

(When we "discuss" over certain points…)

我们不适合也不想认输 (mostly 我不想认输)
好几次我们 … … 彼此都是想要哭

(Still "discussing" about about the flow of work…)

你常解释这样的一切都只是开始 (still got things to do!!)
我觉得是所有的一切早就已结束 (huh not finished yet?!)

(When my mentor gave in, due to "ORD mood")

不想再约束
不要再痛苦
下一次会有更好的 … 路 (Ya… you go your way I go mine)

… Unfortunately, my mentor will never get to see this. Haha. Sad.

jUst as I was leveling my nth character on my game I received a message from my platoon mate. He asked something that I did not really ponder about: Why do I talk to my class/lecture/school mates? For a moment I really give it a thought and replied that I talk to them because there is an urge or need to, like when I am bored or when there’s a discussion or question. Then he replied, "So you are purely using them?" That had me stumped. Not exactly that I have the intention to "use" them as an avenue of exercising my boredom, but I did actions that portrayed in such a direction. After all, when you talk to someone, you seldom just spew meaningless phrases out of your mouth, no? And these non-meaningless phrases, when intepreted by any logical humans, does signify a certain agenda, whether intended or not. I replied with an "poker-face" answer and kept the question in my mind.

Frankly speaking, I had not ever wondered why do people talk to their classmates. If a logical person can see it, classmates are potential competitors in life; they specialize in what you do, and most probably they will not want to drown in the urban pool of unemployment. Yes, you may say that with the correct help from the correct people your life will improve immensely, but how do you choose the initial confidants from the pool of cannibals? Do they remain your friends after say, 20 years? or they are just being "used" by you for that years that you were with them? It may sound heartless, but after some serious thoughts, I think I am the latter. Sad, is it not?

nO person in his right mind would stay up to 5am for youtube stuff, but I did. It was to revisit someone whom I had listened to so much, yet never interacted. I realised then, that for once, I liked someone that does not involve games, money or libido.

Vanessa aka gaspard128 aka iamsilly was someone I chanced upon when I was Youtubing Mika Nakashima’s Sakurairo Maukoro during January.  After listening to her cover, I was attracted to her voice. (Okay she may be well-endowed and has a sweet smile, but that is so superficial when compared to her voice.) The power of Youtube allows people from all over the world to see your videos and clearly she wants everyone who Youtubes to see her sing. This is nothing wrong, especially when she sings better than 99% of those sheepish folks who participate/participated in singing competitions and contests. Her cover of Chinese, English, Cantonese (dialect of Mandarin) and Japanese songs can best some of the popular singers. Her strong points are her proficiency in languages and the good control of her vocals. Her voice is so clear and 无邪, yet tender as the muscles within the chicken meat. Listening to her sing reminded me of someone who sang by the river long long ago. So that night I spent about 4 hours of my time listening to her other covers.

Days, weeks, months had passed before I had this feeling of Youtubing again. This time, I saw that she had uploaded more videos and was actually quite glad that she is still.. well, alive and singing. Hahaahahahaaa…. this feeling is redundant, since she does not know or even care. She did wrote something… philosopical in one of her videos about her painting Garden of Eden. Probably that spurred me into writing this entry. It had been edited to correct some of the spelling.

"We don’t need to be a real artist to fill in colors in our days."

True. Haha. Getting nostalgic again. Probably should stop here.

aS proven by fact, I am not gay. As in, not homosexual.

Joined a private gathering of my friend’s not too long ago; Had expected a few common friends to turn up, but in the end I was facing him, his girlfriend, and his two other female good friends. A cosy small birthday celebration became a butterfly-stuffed nervfest.

They were indeed very fine ladies; HP is a marketing girl-next-door seeking a career in the related industry (updated; she got the job! Congrats!), has a sweet smile and likes Andy Lau while DN is a marketing debutante (probably) who seems to have a "serious look" when she is spacing, has an infectious smile, does not eat seafood and probably had more suitors after her money than my salary, in hundreds. Both are good friends on their own, and probably would not care less for blokes like me if not for CK.

We were briefly introduced when my friend started helping me understand them better. I felt sad for myself as CK was using all his efforts to pair me up with one of them. Why did I allow myself to let CK do that? I must be some wussy to be too timid to speak with them as an acquaintance, am I? Or was it that I am so megalomaniac, I felt that there is no need for me to entertain girls; they should be the ones who entertain me? Pfft. The truth is, I do not know actually what to say. Automatically my self-protection premptive measures kicked in and I started to show less attention to my friend, bragged silently about my meagre knowledge and actively presented myself as someone who is boorish, is used to free-loading, brags and thinks too highly of himself. Whether or not it is needed, the response showed a positive feedback to the measures.

"*groans* Oh no not another i-cannot-get-a-girlfriend anecdote"? Not really. What is to come is disturbing.

The dinner ended with me taking the mrt in a dangerous area. (Trust me, there are still some areas in SG you will not like to walk alone.) While walking in between Bugis and Sim Lim Square, a decent-looking guy stopped me. Presumely speaking in a fake French accent, he asked if I knew of any night sights around there, preferably some "massage service". I pointed him the directions to our local redlight district when for the third time in my life I was asked about my sexual preferences. Then he asked the most disgusting question I have heard so far in life, "So do you want to do a massage service for me?" For a moment I do not know if i should feel flattered or disgusted, but my persona kicked in again and suggested that he can ask the taxi driver for such services. The butterflies that were in my stomach were consumed by fury. I think he is looking for this:

Throughout the journey home I reflected and summerized what happened. The absence of fate between me and two very nice ladies, the guy who questioned my sexual preferences, the disturbed mind when my towkay neo accidentally rubbed her butt against my arms.. It appears that someone is trying to ask me to concentrate on my goals in life and ignore relationships. Since it was absent in my life for so long, it might as well be absent for a good long time. Probably it is a good time to start reducing some weights, improve my manners, take up classes and earn more money. That will certainly help if I will like to take care of my parents when they have aged. Sounds cheesy and  ねこかぶり? Well, that is me.

Since last night, I have been very very hungry. No matter what I ate my stomach does not seem to be registering that it is full. Interesting. Maybe it is time?

Made this Nursery-standard song/rap/wordings one GREAT day… no, really; it’s a good day… to die. (Come on, I’m not THAT stupid… am I? Need to confirm with the nearest nursery teacher.)

Erm, no offense to any brand/people/whatever I have mentioned in the crap. But hey, who knows? Fame = money nowadays

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Have you ever been stopped before you start?

Have you ever searched your heart?

There is supposedly a meaning to life;

but I realised there’s none for mine.

Trees and grass looking at me through the window,

as they turn from green to yellow;

Am I just drowning myself in sorrow,

or will I be reborn strong and grown?

I never know;

Cuz’ there’s still a long way to go.

Many things I like in life

are so material and not alive

seductions addictions - manifestations;

impulses desires - self-gratification;

There’s no indication of medication,

Able to cure these crazy actions.

Walking on the street I saw this couple;

Guy’s so fat and girl’s so nimble;

Nothing wrong with that, I thought,

But suddenly I want to scream at the glass door.

Wondering now if I’m homo,

Cuz’ girls treat me just like 女友;

Easy to get, read and then throw.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m ok you know;

And I’m DEFINITELY not a gei loh;

At least I get to be used by sweet girls, no?

Just say ‘thanks’ before I see the landfill hole.

When humans are like me, will they be alone?

When Life had already condemned them so.

When the last bomb hit the last man standing,

Will the dogs feed on him while he’s dying?

Why would I care when I’m already gone?

Because I’m just another human soul.

Who knows? I might be the fellow,

Who sends the world to her gallow.

The greens and the blues are still by the windows,

Looking at me punching the pillow.

Is that a sneer, a cackle or an "oh-dear" wail,

muffled by the loud noise as the cold wind blow?

I don’t care now,

I have no more trust in the rainbow.

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Imagine…

Someone infiltrated your circle of friends, trying to be friendly…

He contributes insignificantly and actions alot…

Then…

He eats off you and takes free transport…

He is…

THE FREELOADER

COMING SOON

In a circle of friends near you.

…

…

Yes, I’m the freeloader.

Serendipity happened.

Was doing my stuff when my friend asked me to help him buy lottery. The only "queue-free" booth I can think of is the one at Plaza, so I went all the way there. But queue was long; almost killed the ants crawling on the floor to pass time.

After buying I was heading to the train station when suddenly I felt like watching the movie. Mind suddenly went black and when I recovered I was looking at the grinning counter staff, holding the ticket in my hands. Oh well, I thought, wanted to watch the show anyways. (The previous attempt was serendipitously disrupted by my friends.)

Stepping into the theatre late, I frantically tried to look for the seat. Somehow a couple of teenagers "led" me to the seat ("OI JIM WHAT’S YOUR SEAT NUMBER AH?! L - 12 AND 13 AH? OK OK") And then I saw that L - 15 was occupied.

For the first time in my life, I saw a girl watching a movie alone.

Yes, there can be many reasons why a girl go to the movies alone. Maybe she is a movie critic; Maybe there is something she really desire to watch but her friends are not free; Maybe there is attending a function two hours later and she just want to pass time; Maybe she just feel like it. But given her attire and aesthetic features I believe it was a compensation from Whoever-Is-On-Higher-Order; something to soothe my mind from the pending doom. Either that or she was going to a chilling spot later.

Throughout the movie I believe we enjoyed it alot; more than half the show we were laughing together, even though we did not have interaction at all. Her laughter sounds very cheerful and, if I may say, infectious, because whenever I hear her laugh I cannot help by laugh with her too. I confess that I did try to sneak a few hundred thousand dozen peek at her, but the theatre was too dark. Just when I wanted to attempt another peek I noticed that she started to experience flu symptoms.

This is the second time I regretted not bringing a pack of tissue.

When the show ended I hurriedly went off, having enjoyed the show.

I know, I know; all this might be just a symptom of megalomania. Or I’m so narcissistic that I always imagine attention favouring me. And I do understand that I announced my "target" already. But people do have infatuations/obsessions from time to time. My current wish of the month would be for me to meet L - 15 again, so that I can pass her the pack of tissue. Haha, I feel so gentleman already.

STUPID IDIOT FRIENDSTER DELETED MY 2000 WORD POST WITH A SIMPLE "ERROR" - WHAT THE HELL - YOU KNOW HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO WRITE TRUTHFULLY AND HONESTLY OF WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT A BUDDY OF YOURS FOR TEN OVER YEARS OR NOT - EMOTIONS CANNOT BE REPRODUCED LIKE XEROX OKAY STILL DELETE MY POST LIKE THAT - NOW MAKE ME SO ANGRY I CANNOT SLEEP !)@*$@&#’:{[()]}

Below is a very short summary of what my initial post is was about.

Saw some stuff today. Thought about some stuff. Figured it is some satirically ironic funny stuff. Spoke about the stuff. Friend nullified my stuff and started saying his stuff. I ignored his stuff. He lamented my stuff. I just wanna say my stuff. Why you insist saying other stuff? What the stuff?